So its 3am and I can’t switch off, following a entire day yesterday in bed, sleeping, tonight my head is full of thoughts. Actually it feels like those demons are in the room with me, I just can’t stop thinking, all bad thoughts, all worrying things. I can’t do work anymore, I have to find a change, I am so far behind. Every company is at least 2 VAT returns late (that’s 6 months work) how can I be 6 months behind, and when you times that by 6 companies thats 3 years!!! Why? because each and every day I start off saying I am going to get organised and get at least 1 return done, I have all day, that all I have to do, 8 hours sat quietly is plenty. Then boom, she poor bastard needs their arse wiping, a company doesn’t do something, or like today I spend 90% of my day getting up to speed with the delays report! why its not my job, but who else is going to do it. Tomorrow it will be something, something that will distract me, something no one else could possibly do. Nigel will help, Nigel knows, Nigel……………
Next is the money, we don’t have any, tomorrow once again I will have lie to a supplier, make promises i know I can’t keep and try ad get by. One of these days it isn’t going to happen. One of these days a supplier to refuse to supple, or the utility company will walk in and cut us off. On top of that just when this week was looking comfortable he wants more money, he wants the £2,400 he was due last week. Due last week! He not due it, he doesn’t earn it. Yet again everything is gong to fall apart, liquidate companies and all because he is taking a small fortune out. I have to get away, I have to find a proper job, one i can be proud of, one that make me feel good and allows me to sleep. I can’t carry on like this, the cough is permanent and i know it is drink related. every day I say today I must stop, I must go Tea total. I did it before, eight years not a drop. But today 4 large glasses of white wine this afternoon, 3 beers tonight. To most people that would put them under the table. Me? didn’t tough the sides.
I feel dreadful, my drinking is hurting my body, my job is killing my mind. At least I had my MRI scan on my knee yesterday. Maybe jus maybe they will fx that and I can start to exercise again, start to fix my body. They say exercise is a great into dressing, well it is going to have to be.
I really am in a pickle, 3:30 and no stance of sleeping. Oh how do I fix this, what do I do? I can’t walk out I need my job, I need the money. I hate it, I hate..actually I don’t hate my job, its great or it would be if he wasn’t bleeding it dry. Again my mind is full of do I report him? what would happen. If I don’t will they come after me, but I haven’t taken excessive amounts out so I should be fine, but do I need the hassle? and if I did what would happen to the pubs 45 other people reply on them for their jobs. I don’t want to be in this situation, there must be a way to get out, to be able to breath and sleep at night. He sleep at night, he drive a lovely car, is currently on holiday with his family. Seen my car? its 16 years old and falling apart. It’s embarrassing and makes me feel awful everytime I get in it. I am seeing my friends rom America Friday and it is going to be awful collecting them and running them around. I would deal love to hire a car for the day, but I can’t, I don’t have the money.
Anyway I am starting to relax again, this is helping a bit, I have had a drink of water and I am calming down. Still not sure I will sleep, but lets try. I just need 5 minutes of a clear mind and I will at least get a couple of hours sleep.