I can’t describe the feeling or why. But I am permanently uptight, slightly tight chest, short of breath. Worried no, scared of something, but I have nothing to be worried about. Yes work is busy, lots to do, but in general I am coping. But for what ever reason I am constantly uptight, literally looking over my shoulder, nervous when the phone rings. When my wife was a bit distracted this morning, I was at my wits end with what was up, was she ok. Actually she was busy because I am useless. She was up sorting breakfast and tidying the kitchen and I was laying in bed. But actually that is nothing new, its been like that for years now, so why am I so wound up about it all of a sudden.
even sitting here now, you would think I had just robbed a bank and was waiting for the police to knock on the door. But I haven’t. In fact I have less to worry about now than I have at any time in the last 6 years. New car for both my wife and I, kids settled and doing well. But I am a bag of nerves! Even over the weekend which was great. Got lots done in the garden, which for me was a huge step. That should have made me feel useful and capable but I couldn’t shake this feeling. We sat watching x-factor eating great pizza, but the entire time I was on tenterhooks over nothing. Sunday I took some of the family out for Sunday lunch, again a great time, food amazing, company perfect but was I relaxed? not for a minute. I found the entire thing so stressful, by the time we got home I was exhausted but come Sunday night I could not sleep.
I am back to no more than 4 hours sleep a night, it takes me hours to fall asleep and am awake again before its light. Laying in bed listening to every sound, worrying about…. I don’t really know what I am worrying about. Stupid thoughts that make no sense. When everything is going so well this bout of anxiety, if that is what it is, is the worst I have ever experienced. The worst thing is I can’t identify what needs to happen or how this will stop and ironically worrying about that makes things worse!!
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Mentally and Physically