Mentally and Physically
Weight 303lbs
Exercise – Exercise Bike
Time – 14:22
Distance – 6.8km
Feeling – Tired and stressed
Comments – Started on the stationary bike, while watching pointless! which is what it felt like, in under 15 mins I had to stop. I guess I have to start somewhere.
So supposedly I started my health and weight loss complain on 26th April weighing a staggering 303 lbs. Today 155 days later I weigh 303 lbs! What an outstanding waste of space. Yet again I achieve absolutely nothing, although this time at least I have not put any weight on. I started losing weight because I felt I needed to in June 1997 when I weighed 176lbs so in 20 years I have actually managed to put on over 2 stone in weight, outstanding!.
Everything is really mixed up at the moment. Lots of positive things going on, just had a great trip to Spain with wife and daughter while my daughter competed in World Champs. She did really well, everyone was happy. Flights were fine, hotel was great, company was good. Surrounded by lots of happy, confident athletes. I interested ok, met some knew parents, think we all got on well but, holy moly my head is spinning, literally at the moment, hands shaking, breath short, chest tight.
I suffered real panics too, mainly about going into Restaurants surrounded by locals speaking a foreign language. Also though at night, just lay in bed in despair. Really trying to make sense of everything, what I am doing, why I am here and some thoughts far deeper. I have never felt like that before, I read about Noel Edmonds and his note to his daughter before he tried to kill himself and that really set me off. Thoughts I can’t have, thoughts I must banish from my mind.
Somehow amidst all the fun, all the new people some of whom were great contacts, friendly people, nice to be around, helpful to my daughter and just nice. Somehow whilst all that happy stuff was going on I found time to shed more tears in the last 5 days than I have in the last 12 months I would think.
Everything is going around me yet I am struggling more now than I have since this started I would think. I should have left for work 2 hours ago, I doubt I’ll get there at all.
One thing I have spent a lot of time thinking about is my physical fitness, or lack of it. Somehow in amongst all this despair I feel motivated to buckle down and get on with it. I have set an aim (more of a dream) to compete in the masters age group of the Modern Triathle next year. A ridiculous aim, I might as well say I want to climb Everest, but for some reason it has stuck in my mind. I spent some time yesterday putting some thoughts down on paper on goal setting for the remainder of this year. Is will make some notes in the fitness section of this blog. A section that has seen little or no posting to date.