So a year ago today I was all set to spill the beans, I had the perfect opportunity, all the family members and a couple of important friends, but I bottled it. So have I wasted yet another year fixing this thing?
Well lets think about it.
I have taken to the written word, initially just in a word document which progressed to this unread blog! Has it helped? I think so, I seem able to put down in writing some of my feelings and experiences but not all. What continue stopping surprise me is, if I don’t commit to word my feelings at the time I can’t not really remember how I felt, not the details anyway. I just remember it was a “bad day”
It has helped me put some things into perspective, although I have never gone back a re-read any of the posts. Would they help anyone else? I doubt it, I am not sure I am literate enough to express my feelings in a way to deeply explain the emotions I go through. It might help to let others know that are not alone and that maybe the way they feel is the same as others.
I am not entirely sure any one person, one blog, one anything can truly help. It certainly wot cure anyone. In fact can anyone be “cured” of depression can anyone totally kick anxiety? I guess I am the wrong person to be debating that as I am a suffer and can’t see any sign of light at the end of a tunnel. I know I have to seek help, I’ve tried and failed. In fact I’ve tried 3 times and failed 3 times. How many more times can I set myself up to fail, it doesn’t help! Maybe just living with it is the easiest answer. I’m still here, my family are still my family and carry on their lives around me. Work, I guess this is the one big area that is a huge issue for many. I am lucky, beyond lucky as. have a job that allows me to be flexible. I can take my time, change my schedule, not go in one day if I need to. The flip side is not everything is up to date, some of it important stuff and there is no one looking over my shoulder. That in it’s self is the cause of much of my anxiety. I would suggest that what causes the major part of a persons anxiety is anxiety over what has not been done rather than what has to be done. So how do you break that cycle? If you have the answer please share it with me, because no matter how simple the task, the majority of the time its just not possible.
So I am rambling now, a year on and what has changed? To be honest nothing I am still in the pile I was in 12 months ago, I am no nearer reaching out or sharing it and I still get hugely frustrated when. hear people spot rubbish about understanding and being aware of mental health.
I can just hope that sooner rather than later I can share this with my family, because I know that at least 1 will face similar issues to me. I suspect one has already, I doubt I will ever know. But maybe sharing my pain can help them come to terms with theirs. and maybe one day someone will come across this and get some comfort from it.