Although the title is fairly dramatic, its hard to explain how I feel these past few weeks. On the hole, when doing things, while my mind is occupied I would say I am coping quite well. Fairly level headed, a bit slow and reluctant to do things and short tempered, some would say no change there then, but getting things done slowly but surely. But when I stop the fog falls quickly and very thickly. In fact at time total panic sets in. I played golf a few days ago, first time this year, played ok, but when ever I was not with the others and even sometimes when I was, my mind was spinning, my breath would shorten. We had dinner which I really did not want to do and made the most ridiculous excuse to go to bed about 10:50pm when the others stayed up I am sure to talk rubbish and drink too much. What most people would call having a good time.
These moments, lonely moments, are probably as bad as they have ever been. Sat in a room full of people, desperate not to be there. Conversations going on I am just not hearing. My head pounds, the room is literally spinning around my head. I can feel my heart beat faster and my breath shorten.
What makes all this even harder to cope with is my sleeping has also hit an all time low, if you look at the screen shot from my Fitbit’s analysis of my sleep pattern you will see it is poor by anyones standard. Historically I have managed in the region of 6 hours of sleep a night, but that just isn’t happening any more!
I had to pull over the other day driving to work because I had no idea where I was or where I was going. A journey I make several times a week for the past 4 years and I got so lost I panicked. Once I had gained control some 30 minutes or so later I had to put my work address into Sat Nav to find my way. When people asked where I had been I laughed it off. But the rest of the day was a complete waste. I guess the saying “The lights are on but there is no body home” summed it up quite well. I may have been in the room with people but I wasn’t apart of what ever was going on. I could not tell you who was at work or what was spoken about all day. My mind was a complete jumble and that is how it is much more of the time recently. Everything is just a blur, I seem to be back living in a world on my own.