Author: admin

I can’t describe the feeling or why. But I am permanently uptight, slightly tight chest, short of breath. Worried no, scared of something, but I have nothing to be worried about. Yes work is busy, lots to do, but in general I am coping. But for what ever reason I am constantly uptight, literally looking over my shoulder, nervous when the phone rings. When my wife was a bit distracted this morning, I was at my wits end with what was up, was she ok. Actually she was busy because I am useless. She was up sorting breakfast and tidying the kitchen and I was laying in bed. But actually that is nothing new, its been like that for years now, so why am I so wound up about it all of a sudden.
even sitting here now, you would think I had just robbed a bank and was waiting for the police to knock on the door. But I haven’t. In fact I have less to worry about now than I have at any time in the last 6 years. New car for both my wife and I, kids settled and doing well. But I am a bag of nerves! Even over the weekend which was great. Got lots done in the garden, which for me was a huge step. That should have made me feel useful and capable but I couldn’t shake this feeling. We sat watching x-factor eating great pizza, but the entire time I was on tenterhooks over nothing. Sunday I took some of the family out for Sunday lunch, again a great time, food amazing, company perfect but was I relaxed? not for a minute. I found the entire thing so stressful, by the time we got home I was exhausted but come Sunday night I could not sleep.
I am back to no more than 4 hours sleep a night, it takes me hours to fall asleep and am awake again before its light. Laying in bed listening to every sound, worrying about…. I don’t really know what I am worrying about. Stupid thoughts that make no sense. When everything is going so well this bout of anxiety, if that is what it is, is the worst I have ever experienced. The worst thing is I can’t identify what needs to happen or how this will stop and ironically worrying about that makes things worse!!

Today has been the result of a long tough few days. Not quite back where I was but almost. Today was my wife’s birthday, hugely important to the family, celebrations abound, a time we all get together. Never anything over the top, breakfast, a nice day doing something a bit different, finishing in a family meal somewhere. Well this year it’s been a real trial, suffice to say I only managed to book a table for 9 in central London this morning!! And that wouldn’t have happened without the thoughts and ideas of others.

I can’t explain it, everything is so difficult and before I can build up to doing something sheer panic sets in. A real sense of inadequacy in many ways but more a sense of fear. Fear of what I can’t explain, panic, trepidation. My hands physically shake, the heart rate quickens, breath shortens.

The biggest part of the day was picking up a new car for my wife. All organised and paid for over the weekend, all we had to do was collect it at 1pm from Cargiant in Park Royal. Getting sorted this morning, finding the paperwork (proof of address and drivers license) all just too much. Actually it wasn’t, I knew where the bills were and my drivers license is in my wallet, but I lay awake last night thinking about it and got in a pickle this morning.

Driving to the collection was a 25 minute journey, but every second fraught with annoyances. Other drivers doing stupid things, not pulling away from lights as soon as they turned green, cutting in front of me, cutting me up! I got so wound up, so cross. Then having got there, processed the paperwork all very easily we sat and waited 45 minutes for them to bring the car! Total incompetence and I was ready to scream. Anyway Ingot through it and came home. I spent the rest of the afternoon desperately trying to be in my own, quiet, relaxed trying to hold it together.

Then it was time to go out, actually the drive into town was easy, but then spent 15 minutes driving round looking for a parking space, sitting in traffic I didn’t need to be in, waiting in a queue where lights only allowed 3 cars though at a time. I could feel my blood pressure rising. Finally we parked, really close actually, but then we had to find the restaurant not far from Kings Cross station. But it’s not an area I know, texts instructions from my eldest meant nothing and I can feel my blood boiling, “this is stupid” “a waste of time” “let’s just go home” finally we found the others and by now I just didn’t want to be there, I can’t to be “bothered with these people” These people! These people are my family, all I have, all that is important, but I felt real contempt.

We sat down, the place was great, just right for what we wanted. I sat at the head of the table, everyone else around me. Just what I love, what I usually thrive on, but I just couldn’t cope. There was one person there that for what ever reason she seems to calm my sole. Whenever she is around, at the house or if we go out, she manages to lift my spirits. She doesn’t have to do or say anything, she just sat there, 3 places away, a smile on her face, great conversation. It’s very obvious she loves my step son very much. My daughter looked stunning, really grown up, with her boy friend who she has been with for 2 years already. Everyone was happy, chatting and laughing. For me I drifted in and out, sometimes not even aware of my surroundings and then I would realise someone was talking to me. One of our meals wasn’t delivered with the others, which is a real pet hate, but I totally over reacted and then felt bad for the rest of the evening.

Anyway it’s all over now, back home, sat in the safety of my sofa, TV showing dog knows what.

I am sorry if this is all so trivial, I find it so hard to describe or explain how I feel. I am actually sit here shaking, only slightly, but how stupid is that. I am so tired but I am worried about going to bed, will I get to sleep, what will be on mind, knowing I will only get a few short hours of actual sleep before I wake in the early hours and then toss and turn, panicking about tomorrow and the dramas it will bring. How ridiculous is that, worry about what you might be worrying about, when to anyone else tomorrow will just be a walk in the park!

Anyway it’s time to go to bed. Night all.

So where have I been?
Actually nowhere, no dark places, no hiding, just almost good old me.
For the last 2 months I have been feeling better than ever, getting some exercise, socialising, facing issues head on. If I am brutally honest there has been an underlying issue to getting simple tasks gone! which I have allowed to mount up, but I have not ben laying awake at night fretting.
Then today, boom, total melt down. Terrified to do anything from Answer the phone trying to do the simplest of things. It all just seems out of reach. Impossible to achieve, none of which are but try convincing myself of that is impossible. I just don’t get it, head is spinning, chest pounding, short of breath, but nothing has happened to cause this. I just want to hide in the corner and for everyone to leave me alone and whats worse is I can’t see an end to it, I don’t know what will make it change back again, I just know it will, at least I hope it does.

After what can only be described as a good week, exercised each day, which made me fee good about myself, a solid weeks work. Saturday went well, nothing special but a ‘nice’, normal day.

Then boom such a disturbed night. A night my mind was in a spin, period of sheer panic of work to be done, work not done, conversations to be had. At time my chest was ponding so hard it felt like i was being hit with a hammer, hard to breath. Sheer panic, terror in my mind. As the sun came up I fell asleep and I guess slept soundly under 10am

Once down stairs I didn’t fell particularly tired, my mind had cleared and i thought everything would be fine. I thought I was back in control again but, for no reason what so I, I snapped at my wife, we rowed I made her cry it was awful. She didn’t deserve it, especially not now, she has enough on her mind with her sick parents. But I did.
Somehow once again we carried on, went shopping, came home family came over and we had a nice afternoon in the garden, burnt some food on the BBQ and everyone I dare say thinks everything is wonderful.

But this is how depression, anxiety or what ever it is effects everyone! Not just me, not just the person suffering, but everyone around them, friends, work colleagues and especially family. I have spent the rest of the day torturing myself, in fact having some of the darkest thoughts to date of how I feel and my worth. How can such a positive week turn on a sixpence and become so destructive. I really have a poison in side me, a poison which can sit dormant and then surface for no apparent reason and effect anyone and everyone within reach.

I am now sat on the sofa, already panicking abut going to bed, in fact whist typing the last paragraph my head is already starting to spin, breath shortening. How can you panic about going to bed? Easy, I know it is a time with nothing going on, nothing to do. No TV to watch and distract, no one to talk to. All I have to do it lay in the dark with 8 hours ahead during which I can and probably will over think everything. Get worked up about the simplest of things, lay scared of the day and week ahead. I will toss and turn, probably come down stairs in about 2 hours and watch what ever rubbish is on TV, just to try and break the torment. Eventually, usually as the day is dawning I will relax and fall into a deep sleep for about 90 minutes before the alarm. My wife will probably be up and the kids and then it will take me probably an hour before I am able to get up. Worried about going downstairs, scarred for doing or saying the wrong thing. Of not being able to join in the conversation because actually I do not feel part of this family, I do not know what is going on. I will of course get up, probably immediately hide behind my laptop, grab some breakfast when no one else is in the kitchen, just before its time to take daughter to school. Then scurry off to the pool for a swim, which again no one knows about and then head to work.

Wow I am not sure this is helping tonight, another 10 minutes have past and now I really do not want to go to bed. Not only because of the above, but my wife is still up, what do I do before going to bed? I know the milk bottles need to go out, but what else! What else will need to be done in the kitchen? I really have no idea and the thought of getting it wrong terrifies me. It terrifies me almost as much as sitting here doing nothing and letting my wife do it all and feeling worthless. I am stuck on the sofa, I really am in a pickle now. My breathing is shallow, my chest hurts, its burning. My head feels light, like I am about to faint, my hands are shaking. When I move my head it is like everything is happening at lightening speed, I can’t explain it, I have never been able to explain it. Its like my head doesn’t belong on my body I think. I have to do this, wife is now asleep, how nice would it be for her just to be able to go to bed knowing everything was done. To be honest there is probably nothing that needs doing, because surprise surprise after the BBQ when everyone was sat around chatting she was in door, cleaning, tidying etc. But I feel so useless that even if I go out to the kitchen I won’t notice what needs doing, or won’t know what to do with left overs, or other stuff.

A day of fear and panic struck me yesterday, but rather than curing up in a ball I somehow managed to work through it. It just seemed everyone wanted a piece of me, can I do this, can I do that and not stuff that is necessarily my responsibility but I am the go to person when something goes wrong. That on top of having a pile of work the size of Everest o get through just loaded he stress.
When this happened my mind goes to mush, my heart rate increases, even my hands shake and I just panic, wanting everyone to go away and leave me alone. In fact I am getting a bit like it now typing this. So I’ll be back to it in a bit.
Well its actually been a couple of days during which I have really struggled. The day after starting this article I ended up in the pub in the afternoon and really hit it hard, which is very disappointing but I couldn’t help it at the time. The interesting thing is, now I am “back to normal” what ever normal is, I am finding it hard to remember what I felt like and therefore it is impossible to put in words! I guess all that is important it I got though it relatively well, I still functioned joined and got some exercise in. Here’s to the week ahead.