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February 14th

Day off work to take my daughter to Malvern for a day of fencing training. Long day, out at 7am back at 7pm and 276 miles driven but its worth it. She’s amazing, when it was over she said she didn’t enjoy it and it was a bit of a waste of time, but I watched her, she joined in, never complained and kept smiling.

As you know today is Valentines day. Not that counts for much, I bought her a card and chocolates but really? Is that the best I can do?! My poor wife is exhausted because she works so hard. That just makes me feel even worse. I want more than anything to have romance, but she simply is too tired. Actually, as I type this she has fallen asleep on the sofa, we are watching Hawaii Five 0, which she enjoys but, as every night, having worked hard at work and shopping and cooking and cleaning and and and….

I have to sort myself out, I am in and out of bad and ok days, more bad than anything else but this is helping. I can’t kick the worry and feeling of desperation.

Bad Bad Day

Woke up desperate, managed to get up and get to work, but hell why did I bother. Everyone irritated the hell out of me, nothing I touched worked. My patients was so short I could have killed someone. Had a huge rant at a couple of staff over nothing and eventually walked out and came home. Hid behind my laptop pretending to work, kept my mouth shut and went to bed as early as I possibly could.

Bike Day!

Part of sorting my life, is also getting fit once and for all. As you may have read I have problems with my knees so I decided to try an exercise bike, so I ordered one in the January sales.
Finally today I got the exercise bike set up, which was an effort in its own right. Really not sure now and that is the problem with battling depression and anxiety. I have been really fired up about finding something that would take the strain off my knee whilst helping me out.

Right now I am terrified, in fact so much so that I locked myself in the downstairs loo and cried. But anyway family around and I am sure they are thinking just another fad that will be a waste of money, so I have to prove them wrong.

First Go – Holy mother of god! I just managed 2km which took me about 4 minutes with no resistance on the wheel before I thought I was going to faint!

On my own, in a room full of people!

One of the hardest things to explain is the loneliness, the isolation one can feel, even when surrounded by people.
We had a gathering recently, a lovely day, family, friends, fun, laughter, everything I thrive on. I am never happier than when I have a house full of people enjoying themselves and playing “mine host”, but towards the end of the day I just wanted to curl up and be left alone. I can’t really explain it and there is no reason for it that I can see, it can be a birthday, a party, even Christmas. The house can be busy, music playing, people chatting, drinks flowing. Yet I can be sat on the outside looking in, not really involved, disjointed even.
Surrounded by people yet not knowing what is going on. Not really focussing on anything in-particular. I have and do escape into another room, or take refuge in the bathroom. When things really get bad, the bathroom is the best place because you can wash your face to try and hide the tears. It’s ridiculous, how can you be in a room full of people you know, yet feel like you don’t belong?

Bad start, great finish

The day started the night before, really couldn’t settle, mind would not turn off. As a result my sleep was even less than usual. My wife got up at 6am to take the eldest into work, came home, back out again at 7:00 to drop our daughter at training and even went back to get her at 9:30 to pick her up. During all of this I stayed in bed, unable to get going. The feeling of guilt, making it even harder to emerge.

Eventually I emerged, had to things to do, places to go, people coming! Actually people coming is the key. Family here, Sunday lunch/dinner. In short the key is turned and hey presto, Nigel is Nigel

Suicide!

It has to be discussed because it takes the lives of an increasing number of people!
There isn’t really much I can say on the subject as the thought or desire has never crossed my mind, but in saying that it is something I can understand.
Before suffering with my depression and anxiety I never understood people that would and could take their own lives. I considered them cowards for not facing up to what ever it was that drove them to it, probably a crime or similar and selfish for the pain it would cause those left behind.
Well actually neither of those apply to a person suffering with mental Health! The feelings faced in that state of mind ore those of sheer desperation, loneliness and despair. It’s easy to feel the world would not miss you, after all you contribute nothing. You sit in a crowded room on your own, so what difference would it make.

Taking your own life under those circumstances isn’t selfish it would just seem to make sense.

Therapy

So how does that work then?
I suffer from anxiety, making it difficult, in fact impossible at times to do the simplest of things. How hard do you think it is to pick up the phone and make an appointment with a complete strange to discuss your short comings!!
Well actually in 6 years I have managed it twice! First time to a general counsellor and the 2nd for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), both achieved nothing why! I made the first meeting and in fact the second CT session, but doing it alone is impossible! The point is you need help with the basic issues of life. Confidence, self esteem, simply being able to go out. Pick a dark day, when even the phone ringing or the post landing on the door mat is too much to stand and you have no chance of getting to your appointment.
Of course that is why it is so important to seek the help of your family and or friends. Something I just can’t seem to do. I so want to, but how, when, what do I say and I am obviously not the only one to feel like this.
Hopefully with time and the help of admitting the issues to myself vis this blog, I will find the strength to do so and maybe if someone ever reads this, reading they are not alone in their struggle will help them seek support too.