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A feeling of uselessness

As touched on before, the simplest of tasks seems impossible. This is so hard to put in words and explain to you, because even I find it hard to understand.
I can sit here now and think I really must do xyz, or tomorrow I am going to do such and such. No worry, very confident, just like any other person. But as the time approaches so the self doubt sets in, or the overwhelming fear of doing it wrong. Two simple examples spring to mind.

The hot tap in our ensuite bathroom broke about 3 years ago (its probably 4) after about 6 months I went to B&Q and bought a replacement set. Its a 30 minute job, turn the water off to the existing taps with the simple turn of a screw on the pipe, remove existing taps by undoing the bolts, couple up new taps, turn on water. There you go, what could be easier. Well I must have picked the new plugs up 2 dozen times, even taken them as far as the bathroom but, what if it goes wrong, what if they don’t fit. The pipe might burst and I could flood the place! Yes all of those could be true and if they are you deal with it. What is even worse is sitting here typing this it seems so easy, so why can’t I go upstairs now and do the job?

Example 2 – Last summer i needed to set a fence post in some concrete at the bottom of the garden. This time I managed to go out buy the cement, come home, decide where it needed to go, dig the hole, line up the post but. Then doubt flooded my mind, was the hole deep enough and wide enough. Had i mixed the concrete properly, was it too wet, would it set. Fortunately for this task I was so far down the road I had to resolve it, which I was able to do, by calling out to my wife, who was also in the garden and just casually asking if she thought the hole was big enough to support the post and also check it was in the correct place. In this instance what I was seeking was approval that what I had done was ok.

Overwhelming feeling of dread

I’ve never slept well, even as a child I would lay awake, usually on a Sunday night, thinking about all the things that needed doing during the coming days. But over the past few years it has become a daily battle. Firstly my already irregular sleep pattern has been turned upside down. Much of the time falling asleep at night seemed impossible. Assuming I even felt tired, once in bed I would find it impossible to settle, often getting up and going downstairs. On the worst nights I would not get back to bed until after 2am. My mind would be full of panic at the things I had to do and even worse the things that should have been done but I had not completed. These unresolved issues would on the hole be really simple basic tasks. As easy as making a phone call, or filling in a form. Completing a VAT return, or updating a college. Once I filed to do something it became a major problem. I would lay awake worrying myself about having not one it. Oh would I deal with it now, or explain why it hadn’t been done. My head would spin, with panic and confusion.
A perfect example was an occasion when my father-in-law had asked me to call hi the following morning between 10am and 11am. Nearly he wanted to speak to me privately about something and i assumed he did’t want his wife to overhear. It was around her birthday so that seemed a sensible reason. Well the following day I didn’t make the call. For once not because I couldn’t bring myself to, but because I was in a meeting at work. By the time the meeting ended it was past midday, far too late to call. That evening I lay awake probably all night worrying about it, only drifting in and out of sleep for a few minutes at a time. The following day I simply could not pick the phone up, supposing my mother-in-law answered the phone, even if she didn’t what would I say to explain why I hadn’t managed to call yesterday. Day 2 went by, no phone call, so did day 3. On day 4 I was working from home first thing and as my wife was getting ready to go out she said that her Father would like me to call. With that she went out and so I grabbed the bull by the horns and made the call. He answered, thanked me, did n’t ask or give me a chance to apologise or explain why I had not called earlier in the week, we discussed what he wanted which took about 5 minutes and the call ended. It couldn’t have been easier, but it took me 4 days.

It can feel like it’s hard to breathe and your heart might be racing even though you’re just sitting at your desk

Turmoil along the way

Below are some general experiences, feelings, emotions, I have faced while coping with Anxiety and Depression.
a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a
An overwhelming feeling of dread
I’ve never slept well, even as a child I would lay awake, usually on a Sunday night, thinking about all the things that needed doing during the coming days. Read More

A feeling of uselessness
As touched on before, the simplest of tasks seems impossible. This is so hard to put in words and explain to you, because even I find it hard to understand. Read More

Therapy
So how does that work then?
I suffer from anxiety, making it difficult, in fact impossible at times to do the simplest of things. How hard do you think it is to pick up the phone Read More

Suicide
It has to be discussed because it takes the lives of an increasing number of people!
There isn’t really much I can say on the subject as the thought or desire has never crossed my mind, but in saying that it is something I can understand. Read More

Why blog now?

As mentioned above I have been struggling for a while now and last year things really started to get dark. I had arranged a day out with the family for my Birthday, in fact we were all going to run either a 10k or half marathon. It had become a bit of a tradition, I would rope everyone into a run and I would shuffle round and they would all cheer me on. Well this time there was a local 10k on my birthday which seemed the perfect opportunity. It wasn’t really far enough away, which to many people would have been a problem, but to me it meant I really had to concentrate, if I had any chance of getting round I had to be 100% focussed, strict on diet, full on training and it was working. I was living and breathing it, weight was coming off, I was feeling good and although there was no way I was going to run the entire event I was going to make it and feel good about myself. Then with about 4 weeks to go my knee gave way! I went to see physio and they recommend 6 to 8 weeks. My world fell apart, AGAIN, I hit the booze, the compulsive eating and by the time the day came round I was all but back where I started!!

What woke me up was a conversation I had over the phone with a very important friend the evening before the event. I was explaining how upset I was and how it effected me and actually hearing myself say it out loud started to make me realise I really should not be that fragile and something finally had to be done.

I laid awake all night, for once not worrying, but being positive. I decided that tomorrow, on my birthday, after the run when we were all sat round the dining table I would discuss my problems, it would be the perfect audience, the people that mattered, that I need to hear it. My wife, the 4 eldest children (and partners) with the younger one away, my parents-in-law and 2 of my dearest friends. I have to tell them, not because I think they can help, what can they do? I need them to know, to firstly apologise for the crap person I have been for the last few years, apologise to my wife for the total lack of effort and support I have given her, for the business errors that plunged us so close to losing our home on a number of occasions, but above all to hopefully get them to understand that actually mental health needs talking about. You can’t tackle it on your own. At least one of them will have issues during their lives if they are not already and they need to hear it from this big old lump that actually no one will judge them. asking for help is the right coarse of action, but a sign of weakness.

So the run went well, everyone had fun. We all pilled back to the house, showered, changed, wife did amazing things with food yet again. We gathered round the table, but initially my sister-in-law, her youngs kids, partner, partners sister and parents were there too, which was great but not conducive to what I needed. By the time they went so had my parents-in-law and the opportunity never really presented itself, everyone was having a great time I didn’t want to put a damper on things. So the day came and went and nothing really changed.

Weeks went, Christmas came and went and then I thought of maybe a blog. Maybe I could right things down and that would help. Maybe someone would find it. I started with just a word document hidden away on my laptop, just 2 or 3 posts nothing really serious and then the weekend of the London Marathon for what ever reason I decided enough was enough. I registered this domain, copied the article on my word document to the blog and started padding it out with some history and random articles on feelings.

From today I am fixing me, with the help of my blog and I hope one day it will help others. If I can get strong enough through this, then I will be able to tell my family as I planned last October.

The Start

I keep coming back to this and messing with it, so apologies if it’s all a muddle but I guess that matches my mind.

When did all this start? Well to be completely honest I am not entirely sure. The last few years are so jumbled I have lost track and find it almost impossible to match events with any kind of time line. I reckon it must have been 2011/12.
My life was good, better than good. Nice cars on the drive, wonderful family, nice home. Work was ok I worked from home, which looking back I can clearly see as a trigger. Being in an office at home on my own, day in day out isn’t good for the mind, or soul come to that. In fact if I am honest maybe things started to creep up on me even a few years before that.
Then one day I got up and just sat and did nothing, I just couldn’t. Simple tasks, I just couldn’t muster the enthusiasm. The day came and went and that was that!
This carried on and got worse, answering the phone, even to people I knew, became a real problem. Opening post, impossible. I recently threw out 5 years of unopened post, you can only begin to imagine the tremendous problems that caused. Days, weeks, probably months went by, useless days spent in silence, unable to move, unable to do anything but cry. The only time I would actually do anything was when it was past urgent. Outside of work everything was fine, with the family, on the golf course or where ever. It was just the simplest of tasks became a mountain.

The Doctor
Eventually I made an appointment to see the doctor, in fact I made 5 appointments to see my doctor probably covering a further 3 month period. When I got as far as the car park, I could not actually get out of the car and walk in the surgery. On the 5th attempt I got into the waiting room and checked myself in. Then sat and sat, my mind a complete mess, what was I doing here, what am I going to say, everyone else was coughing and spluttering. One young mum had a baby who was clearly in distress, another had an arm in a sling. There was nothing wrong with me and I was just about to get up and walk out when I was called.
I froze! what now, what am I going to say, how do I start, where do I start? I started the long walk down the corridor, heart pounding, head spinning, bumped into the nurse coming the other way. My doctors door was open I walked in, greeted him and sat down. At this point we had not made eye contact and in fact I don’t think we ever did. He asked me how I was, and what seemed to be the problem.
I tried to speak, but nothing came out and then whoosh, floods of tears! He said nothing just let me sit there. I was conscious he made a call, I assume to reception. He handed me a tissue, got up and poured me a glass of water and sat and waited.

Eventually I calmed down “so we have some work to do Mr Farnfield!”

We had a gentle chat, he asked me some basic questions and completed a form. He explained that he was going to prescribe some tablets to help and also refer me to a healthy mind clinic. I needed to call a number and make an appointment. There was no rush for me to leave, but I was conscious of the time I had already taken. I thanked him and went home.

Referral to Healthy Minds
Once home, I called the number, gave my details and was told that someone would call me back to make an appointment. Why that couldn’t be done during the initial call I do not know. Well suffice to say I never took at return call. The department was in Oxford, I know the dialling code for Oxford, I never received an incoming call from an Oxford number, so it must have been one of the dozens of “number withheld” calls I get every day! Does anyone answer a number withheld call? Well I can tell you for a fact, someone who struggles with anxiety and finds it almost impossible to answer a call from a family member certainly doesn’t, sorry chaps you need to think that one through again!!

Medication
I was told not to expect miracles quickly and that maybe the dose would need increasing after a few weeks. Well I started taking the prescribe medication and it very quickly became apparent they had a particular physical side effect, which was far from desirable! I returned to the doctor and he suggested that maybe my body would get used to them and the problem would go away, it didn’t, well not quickly enough anyway, and I stopped taking them. From then on I have faced this alone, I tried some private counselling but again when you struggle to achieve the most basic of tasks, getting to an appointment you know is going to be difficult if not virtually impossible.