Category: General

Its December 3rd 2017 and I don’t think it is appropriate to keep this blog up to date anymore. I am coping with the help and support of my wife and that needs to be enough.

I have one major step still to take though.  I need to share this with my family.  The sad fact of life is it is highly likely at least one of them will suffer some kind of mental health issues in the past and I need them to know its okay not to be okay.

Thank you blog and good luck all

I’ve come off the meds, I’m not 100% sure they were making the difference and the side effects are driving me crazy. I’ll see how it goes and go back to the Doctors at some point. Still need to book the therapy sessions, which I know is stupid but actually I am making progress and I just want to do it my way, slowly one step at a time. Its the only way and actually I feel so much better it is great.

So its not going to just be a case of popping a few pills and everything will be fine! What a dreadful day and from nowhere. Got up fine, breakfast, did a few jobs jumped in the car and off to work. Then boom, half way to work just couldn’t cope no warning no real reason. Traffic just got the better of me I guess, total panic, head pounding and spinning, felt sick and a real dread of carrying on. Got to work and slowly calmed down.

Interestingly it was just that, once I had calmed down I got a good days work in.

Sadly it didn’t last, the following day was a hide away day. Look busy, be polite, stay away from people, say nothing day. Nothing like the bad days of before, just a grey day and its the first for a while.

After a day or so I went to see my doctor. Unfortunately my usual doctor was not available and the lady I saw really showed no interest. I think we exchanged 2 words she wrote me a prescription for some anti-depressants and gave me a  self referral form to fill in and send off to start counselling. At least this is an improvement on the previous phone call version which I have mentioned before failed spectacularly as I am sure it would for anyone suffering from anxiety. Actually two weeks on I have not taken that step, but I know I must.

So how am I? I’m not entirely sure, because during my good times I am fine anyway, so I don’t really know if the medication is making me feel better or it is just because at the moment I am fine. My wife is being great, not actually saying anything or trying to make me talk about it, but keeping a watchful eye from a distance, being very encouraging when I do the slightest of things successfully. Don’t get me wrong not in a patronising way, it’s difficult to explain I guess. I just know she knows and is trying to be subtly supportive.

Some of the side effects of the medication aren’t great but not a deal breaker. I feel permanently nauseous, which is unpleasant but not life threatening. I am so tired it is unbelievable, in fact I had to pull the car over one afternoon because I simply could not stop yawning. That being said my sleep pattern still hasn’t improved, I am still only managing 3 to 4 hours a night. I’m thirsty all the time, drinking more water than I ever have and there are some sexual side effects I won’t go into to save your blushes. We will see, maybe the body will get used to them, it has only been two weeks so lets see. I only have 28 days of tablets anyway so I will need to return to the doctors, hopefully I will see my usual lady doctor the next time.

Well my issues are out in the open, well sort of and only to my wife! But it’s a start I guess.

The sad thing is I didn’t tell her she asked me. In fact she thought I was having an affair and had got herself in a right old state. Once again my actions hurting other people needlessly. Why did she think I was having an affair? I guess because in my muddled little world I just bumbled through, did things, had conversations and then just moved onto the next muddle. Being my usual pleasant, maybe slightly flirty self, thinking nothing of it and in hindsight doing so with the wrong people. I went to see an ex-girlfriend all the way down on the south coast. I was only there for an hour and it was to discuss some business. Actually some business that could make a serious difference (or nothing could come of it of course) to me it was just business with a friend. We had always stayed in touch for birthdays and Christmas that sort of thing. What initially made it worse when asked about it was I could not even remember exactly when it was. I honestly had no idea, everything is so jumbled in my head. This is an issue that causes me difficulty time and time again. I struggle to associate time to things I did, or even remember what occurred during huge periods of time. Sometimes I can’t even be sure which year a specific event happened. There were a couple of other things too, which would just be too hard to explain, were equally innocent but could so very easily have been interpreted the wrong way and clearly were.

So anyway we talked for a bit and a I tried to explain what I could, although I know I didn’t really make any sense. Now we will see what happens, my worry is all I have done is given her something else to worry about, I really feel I am more trouble than I am worth.

Although the title is fairly dramatic, its hard to explain how I feel these past few weeks. On the hole, when doing things, while my mind is occupied I would say I am coping quite well. Fairly level headed, a bit slow and reluctant to do things and short tempered, some would say no change there then, but getting things done slowly but surely. But when I stop the fog falls quickly and very thickly. In fact at time total panic sets in. I played golf a few days ago, first time this year, played ok, but when ever I was not with the others and even sometimes when I was, my mind was spinning, my breath would shorten. We had dinner which I really did not want to do and made the most ridiculous excuse to go to bed about 10:50pm when the others stayed up I am sure to talk rubbish and drink too much. What most people would call having a good time.

These moments, lonely moments, are probably as bad as they have ever been. Sat in a room full of people, desperate not to be there. Conversations going on I am just not hearing. My head pounds, the room is literally spinning around my head. I can feel my heart beat faster and my breath shorten.

What makes all this even harder to cope with is my sleeping has also hit an all time low, if you look at the screen shot from my Fitbit’s analysis of my sleep pattern you will see it is poor by anyones standard. Historically I have managed in the region of 6 hours of sleep a night, but that just isn’t happening any more!

I had to pull over the other day driving to work because I had no idea where I was or where I was going. A journey I make several times a week for the past 4 years and I got so lost I panicked. Once I had gained control some 30 minutes or so later I had to put my work address into Sat Nav to find my way. When people asked where I had been I laughed it off. But the rest of the day was a complete waste. I guess the saying “The lights are on but there is no body home” summed it up quite well. I may have been in the room with people but I wasn’t apart of what ever was going on. I could not tell you who was at work or what was spoken about all day. My mind was a complete jumble and that is how it is much more of the time recently. Everything is just a blur, I seem to be back living in a world on my own.

So this morning was one of those “difficult” mornings. As usual, no idea why. I had had a nice Saturday, a reasonable nights sleep by my standards. maybe having that extra hour was the killer. Anyway as per usual the wife is up being busy and useful, me? I’m juts paying there. I did reach for the phone to pass the time, Facebook is a bit of a demon if I am honest, but that’s probably the subject of a separate post.
One of my friends had posted a “copy and paste” update about mental health. It covered some good points and it was being done for all the right reasons. Interestingly despite my dislike for such posts in a funny way it actually helped me get started as I typed the response below. Brave or foolish, I’m not sure.I did consider removing it, no one commented, I guess some must have read it but it remains there.

It is good that awareness has improved around mental health but don’t confuse that with the need to talk about it all the time. For many having people wanting to talk “at them” about it wont in fact help, at least not just because the unaffected person thinks they should or has the time to. Talking (about anything) can be very hard and talking about the fact you can’t talk about your mental health just increases the anxiety. For many there are of course great days where you can talk to your hearts content, other days it’s a struggle, writing on someones FB for instance can help even if their hands are shaking and the tears are flowing. So yes awareness needs to improve, but just be aware of it, make allowances and be kind and gentle when they find the strength to talk. Even then if a hint of a situation is mentioned or you just suspect that doesn’t mean it’s time to open the flood gates on conversation. Note it away, then beware, as the saying goes slowly slowly catchy monkey. You can’t begin to image what it is like and rushing in to force conversation on people or making sweeping statements about how it’s great to talk about mental health, could very easily there drive them further into the darkness.