Category: General

So a year ago today I was all set to spill the beans, I had the perfect opportunity, all the family members and a couple of important friends, but I bottled it. So have I wasted yet another year fixing this thing?

Well lets think about it.
I have taken to the written word, initially just in a word document which progressed to this unread blog! Has it helped? I think so, I seem able to put down in writing some of my feelings and experiences but not all. What continue stopping surprise me is, if I don’t commit to word my feelings at the time I can’t not really remember how I felt, not the details anyway. I just remember it was a “bad day”
It has helped me put some things into perspective, although I have never gone back a re-read any of the posts. Would they help anyone else? I doubt it, I am not sure I am literate enough to express my feelings in a way to deeply explain the emotions I go through. It might help to let others know that are not alone and that maybe the way they feel is the same as others.

I am not entirely sure any one person, one blog, one anything can truly help. It certainly wot cure anyone. In fact can anyone be “cured” of depression can anyone totally kick anxiety? I guess I am the wrong person to be debating that as I am a suffer and can’t see any sign of light at the end of a tunnel. I know I have to seek help, I’ve tried and failed. In fact I’ve tried 3 times and failed 3 times. How many more times can I set myself up to fail, it doesn’t help! Maybe just living with it is the easiest answer. I’m still here, my family are still my family and carry on their lives around me. Work, I guess this is the one big area that is a huge issue for many. I am lucky, beyond lucky as. have a job that allows me to be flexible. I can take my time, change my schedule, not go in one day if I need to. The flip side is not everything is up to date, some of it important stuff and there is no one looking over my shoulder. That in it’s self is the cause of much of my anxiety. I would suggest that what causes the major part of a persons anxiety is anxiety over what has not been done rather than what has to be done. So how do you break that cycle? If you have the answer please share it with me, because no matter how simple the task, the majority of the time its just not possible.

So I am rambling now, a year on and what has changed? To be honest nothing I am still in the pile I was in 12 months ago, I am no nearer reaching out or sharing it and I still get hugely frustrated when. hear people spot rubbish about understanding and being aware of mental health.

I can just hope that sooner rather than later I can share this with my family, because I know that at least 1 will face similar issues to me. I suspect one has already, I doubt I will ever know. But maybe sharing my pain can help them come to terms with theirs. and maybe one day someone will come across this and get some comfort from it.

So what is this day supposed to accomplish? Who is it for?

For the depressed and anxious? I don’t think so! How does being reminded of it on the TV, radio, papers and internet help? We know how dark and lonely life is. How impossible coping can be especially if you are reminded of it, or have people comment and make ridiculously stupid comments “don’t worry, I here for you” or “everything will be fine” even “please don’t bottle things up you can talk to me”

Really? Do these bloody people really think it helps! Someone said to me today that it’s great mental health is out in the open, that it’s not so awkward for people to talk about. Well woopee fucking doo for you, I’m so pleased you can talk about it, because I can’t. I haven’t been able to for the last 7 years and having it thrust down my throat by by a bunch of ignorant do-gooders spouting rubbish because they think they should or are told to or more probably because it makes them look and feel good.

The biggest draw to World Mental Health day is probably the ability for people, organisation, individuals to monetise this Happy crappy shit.

Woke up and couldn’t face the day, had been awake for hours, just laying there. Everything and nothing going round and round in my mind, getting me more and more wound up. Had a really important meeting this afternoon, which to be honest I could have breezed through, but just couldn’t face it so, after stressing about it for 2 hour I sent an email and cancelled it and instantly felt better about the rest of the day.
I was able to get on with some work, did the banking and even had a swim. I do admit I struggled to actually get out of the car, but I did and I swam and that is great.

I was just watching TV with the family and an ambulance team are dealing with a clearly depressed and lonely lady. She has no idea where she is or what she is doing. The crew are being as supportive as they can and actually doing a good job. But watching it was hard, because I understood and clearly no one else in the room does. As they say, she just needs to talk to someone, “there are plenty of charities and people that will help!” yes there are, but if you can’t reach out they are no good. If it was that easy people wouldn’t have these problems. I had to go into another room in the end (and am typing this) before someone in the room saw the tears.

Everything is really mixed up at the moment. Lots of positive things going on, just had a great trip to Spain with wife and daughter while my daughter competed in World Champs. She did really well, everyone was happy. Flights were fine, hotel was great, company was good. Surrounded by lots of happy, confident athletes. I interested ok, met some knew parents, think we all got on well but, holy moly my head is spinning, literally at the moment, hands shaking, breath short, chest tight.
I suffered real panics too, mainly about going into Restaurants surrounded by locals speaking a foreign language. Also though at night, just lay in bed in despair. Really trying to make sense of everything, what I am doing, why I am here and some thoughts far deeper. I have never felt like that before, I read about Noel Edmonds and his note to his daughter before he tried to kill himself and that really set me off. Thoughts I can’t have, thoughts I must banish from my mind.
Somehow amidst all the fun, all the new people some of whom were great contacts, friendly people, nice to be around, helpful to my daughter and just nice. Somehow whilst all that happy stuff was going on I found time to shed more tears in the last 5 days than I have in the last 12 months I would think.
Everything is going around me yet I am struggling more now than I have since this started I would think. I should have left for work 2 hours ago, I doubt I’ll get there at all.
One thing I have spent a lot of time thinking about is my physical fitness, or lack of it. Somehow in amongst all this despair I feel motivated to buckle down and get on with it. I have set an aim (more of a dream) to compete in the masters age group of the Modern Triathle next year. A ridiculous aim, I might as well say I want to climb Everest, but for some reason it has stuck in my mind. I spent some time yesterday putting some thoughts down on paper on goal setting for the remainder of this year. Is will make some notes in the fitness section of this blog. A section that has seen little or no posting to date.

I can’t describe the feeling or why. But I am permanently uptight, slightly tight chest, short of breath. Worried no, scared of something, but I have nothing to be worried about. Yes work is busy, lots to do, but in general I am coping. But for what ever reason I am constantly uptight, literally looking over my shoulder, nervous when the phone rings. When my wife was a bit distracted this morning, I was at my wits end with what was up, was she ok. Actually she was busy because I am useless. She was up sorting breakfast and tidying the kitchen and I was laying in bed. But actually that is nothing new, its been like that for years now, so why am I so wound up about it all of a sudden.
even sitting here now, you would think I had just robbed a bank and was waiting for the police to knock on the door. But I haven’t. In fact I have less to worry about now than I have at any time in the last 6 years. New car for both my wife and I, kids settled and doing well. But I am a bag of nerves! Even over the weekend which was great. Got lots done in the garden, which for me was a huge step. That should have made me feel useful and capable but I couldn’t shake this feeling. We sat watching x-factor eating great pizza, but the entire time I was on tenterhooks over nothing. Sunday I took some of the family out for Sunday lunch, again a great time, food amazing, company perfect but was I relaxed? not for a minute. I found the entire thing so stressful, by the time we got home I was exhausted but come Sunday night I could not sleep.
I am back to no more than 4 hours sleep a night, it takes me hours to fall asleep and am awake again before its light. Laying in bed listening to every sound, worrying about…. I don’t really know what I am worrying about. Stupid thoughts that make no sense. When everything is going so well this bout of anxiety, if that is what it is, is the worst I have ever experienced. The worst thing is I can’t identify what needs to happen or how this will stop and ironically worrying about that makes things worse!!

Today has been the result of a long tough few days. Not quite back where I was but almost. Today was my wife’s birthday, hugely important to the family, celebrations abound, a time we all get together. Never anything over the top, breakfast, a nice day doing something a bit different, finishing in a family meal somewhere. Well this year it’s been a real trial, suffice to say I only managed to book a table for 9 in central London this morning!! And that wouldn’t have happened without the thoughts and ideas of others.

I can’t explain it, everything is so difficult and before I can build up to doing something sheer panic sets in. A real sense of inadequacy in many ways but more a sense of fear. Fear of what I can’t explain, panic, trepidation. My hands physically shake, the heart rate quickens, breath shortens.

The biggest part of the day was picking up a new car for my wife. All organised and paid for over the weekend, all we had to do was collect it at 1pm from Cargiant in Park Royal. Getting sorted this morning, finding the paperwork (proof of address and drivers license) all just too much. Actually it wasn’t, I knew where the bills were and my drivers license is in my wallet, but I lay awake last night thinking about it and got in a pickle this morning.

Driving to the collection was a 25 minute journey, but every second fraught with annoyances. Other drivers doing stupid things, not pulling away from lights as soon as they turned green, cutting in front of me, cutting me up! I got so wound up, so cross. Then having got there, processed the paperwork all very easily we sat and waited 45 minutes for them to bring the car! Total incompetence and I was ready to scream. Anyway Ingot through it and came home. I spent the rest of the afternoon desperately trying to be in my own, quiet, relaxed trying to hold it together.

Then it was time to go out, actually the drive into town was easy, but then spent 15 minutes driving round looking for a parking space, sitting in traffic I didn’t need to be in, waiting in a queue where lights only allowed 3 cars though at a time. I could feel my blood pressure rising. Finally we parked, really close actually, but then we had to find the restaurant not far from Kings Cross station. But it’s not an area I know, texts instructions from my eldest meant nothing and I can feel my blood boiling, “this is stupid” “a waste of time” “let’s just go home” finally we found the others and by now I just didn’t want to be there, I can’t to be “bothered with these people” These people! These people are my family, all I have, all that is important, but I felt real contempt.

We sat down, the place was great, just right for what we wanted. I sat at the head of the table, everyone else around me. Just what I love, what I usually thrive on, but I just couldn’t cope. There was one person there that for what ever reason she seems to calm my sole. Whenever she is around, at the house or if we go out, she manages to lift my spirits. She doesn’t have to do or say anything, she just sat there, 3 places away, a smile on her face, great conversation. It’s very obvious she loves my step son very much. My daughter looked stunning, really grown up, with her boy friend who she has been with for 2 years already. Everyone was happy, chatting and laughing. For me I drifted in and out, sometimes not even aware of my surroundings and then I would realise someone was talking to me. One of our meals wasn’t delivered with the others, which is a real pet hate, but I totally over reacted and then felt bad for the rest of the evening.

Anyway it’s all over now, back home, sat in the safety of my sofa, TV showing dog knows what.

I am sorry if this is all so trivial, I find it so hard to describe or explain how I feel. I am actually sit here shaking, only slightly, but how stupid is that. I am so tired but I am worried about going to bed, will I get to sleep, what will be on mind, knowing I will only get a few short hours of actual sleep before I wake in the early hours and then toss and turn, panicking about tomorrow and the dramas it will bring. How ridiculous is that, worry about what you might be worrying about, when to anyone else tomorrow will just be a walk in the park!

Anyway it’s time to go to bed. Night all.

So where have I been?
Actually nowhere, no dark places, no hiding, just almost good old me.
For the last 2 months I have been feeling better than ever, getting some exercise, socialising, facing issues head on. If I am brutally honest there has been an underlying issue to getting simple tasks gone! which I have allowed to mount up, but I have not ben laying awake at night fretting.
Then today, boom, total melt down. Terrified to do anything from Answer the phone trying to do the simplest of things. It all just seems out of reach. Impossible to achieve, none of which are but try convincing myself of that is impossible. I just don’t get it, head is spinning, chest pounding, short of breath, but nothing has happened to cause this. I just want to hide in the corner and for everyone to leave me alone and whats worse is I can’t see an end to it, I don’t know what will make it change back again, I just know it will, at least I hope it does.