Category: General

After what can only be described as a good week, exercised each day, which made me fee good about myself, a solid weeks work. Saturday went well, nothing special but a ‘nice’, normal day.

Then boom such a disturbed night. A night my mind was in a spin, period of sheer panic of work to be done, work not done, conversations to be had. At time my chest was ponding so hard it felt like i was being hit with a hammer, hard to breath. Sheer panic, terror in my mind. As the sun came up I fell asleep and I guess slept soundly under 10am

Once down stairs I didn’t fell particularly tired, my mind had cleared and i thought everything would be fine. I thought I was back in control again but, for no reason what so I, I snapped at my wife, we rowed I made her cry it was awful. She didn’t deserve it, especially not now, she has enough on her mind with her sick parents. But I did.
Somehow once again we carried on, went shopping, came home family came over and we had a nice afternoon in the garden, burnt some food on the BBQ and everyone I dare say thinks everything is wonderful.

But this is how depression, anxiety or what ever it is effects everyone! Not just me, not just the person suffering, but everyone around them, friends, work colleagues and especially family. I have spent the rest of the day torturing myself, in fact having some of the darkest thoughts to date of how I feel and my worth. How can such a positive week turn on a sixpence and become so destructive. I really have a poison in side me, a poison which can sit dormant and then surface for no apparent reason and effect anyone and everyone within reach.

I am now sat on the sofa, already panicking abut going to bed, in fact whist typing the last paragraph my head is already starting to spin, breath shortening. How can you panic about going to bed? Easy, I know it is a time with nothing going on, nothing to do. No TV to watch and distract, no one to talk to. All I have to do it lay in the dark with 8 hours ahead during which I can and probably will over think everything. Get worked up about the simplest of things, lay scared of the day and week ahead. I will toss and turn, probably come down stairs in about 2 hours and watch what ever rubbish is on TV, just to try and break the torment. Eventually, usually as the day is dawning I will relax and fall into a deep sleep for about 90 minutes before the alarm. My wife will probably be up and the kids and then it will take me probably an hour before I am able to get up. Worried about going downstairs, scarred for doing or saying the wrong thing. Of not being able to join in the conversation because actually I do not feel part of this family, I do not know what is going on. I will of course get up, probably immediately hide behind my laptop, grab some breakfast when no one else is in the kitchen, just before its time to take daughter to school. Then scurry off to the pool for a swim, which again no one knows about and then head to work.

Wow I am not sure this is helping tonight, another 10 minutes have past and now I really do not want to go to bed. Not only because of the above, but my wife is still up, what do I do before going to bed? I know the milk bottles need to go out, but what else! What else will need to be done in the kitchen? I really have no idea and the thought of getting it wrong terrifies me. It terrifies me almost as much as sitting here doing nothing and letting my wife do it all and feeling worthless. I am stuck on the sofa, I really am in a pickle now. My breathing is shallow, my chest hurts, its burning. My head feels light, like I am about to faint, my hands are shaking. When I move my head it is like everything is happening at lightening speed, I can’t explain it, I have never been able to explain it. Its like my head doesn’t belong on my body I think. I have to do this, wife is now asleep, how nice would it be for her just to be able to go to bed knowing everything was done. To be honest there is probably nothing that needs doing, because surprise surprise after the BBQ when everyone was sat around chatting she was in door, cleaning, tidying etc. But I feel so useless that even if I go out to the kitchen I won’t notice what needs doing, or won’t know what to do with left overs, or other stuff.

A day of fear and panic struck me yesterday, but rather than curing up in a ball I somehow managed to work through it. It just seemed everyone wanted a piece of me, can I do this, can I do that and not stuff that is necessarily my responsibility but I am the go to person when something goes wrong. That on top of having a pile of work the size of Everest o get through just loaded he stress.
When this happened my mind goes to mush, my heart rate increases, even my hands shake and I just panic, wanting everyone to go away and leave me alone. In fact I am getting a bit like it now typing this. So I’ll be back to it in a bit.
Well its actually been a couple of days during which I have really struggled. The day after starting this article I ended up in the pub in the afternoon and really hit it hard, which is very disappointing but I couldn’t help it at the time. The interesting thing is, now I am “back to normal” what ever normal is, I am finding it hard to remember what I felt like and therefore it is impossible to put in words! I guess all that is important it I got though it relatively well, I still functioned joined and got some exercise in. Here’s to the week ahead.

Just finished a long day in the office and it was probably the best day I have had in some considerable time. I think what helped is that I am really busy and managed to spend most of the day concentrating on the job in hand with very little interference from others, but when there was I handled it really well.
In fact I would go as far as saying it was like the good old days. If every day was like this I would be a happy Nigel again.

It’s been a week since I decided to make this public, not that anyway will ever find it I am sure. Up to then it had just been a few sentences in a Word Document on my laptop.

I have to say I think it has helped, feeling like I have shared a few thoughts and difficult moments has helped me. Thinking about my entire situation in a way to be able to put things down in writing appears to be helping too. On the hole I have had a positive week.

There is a lot on Social media at the moment about Mental Health, a friend posted a great message he wanted people to copy and paste (I don’t do that) The Royal’s are trying to highlight it too. They are right and for society to flourish we need Mental Health to get out of the closet, but that is very easy for non effected people to say and bloody hard for those struggling.

Sat in the office, simple phone call to make. Total panic sets in! Hands shaking, short of breath. Dropped the phone, computer screen just a blur. Everything seemed to pulse in and out and I just couldn’t think straight.

Nothing has really gone well for a couple of days, trouble with my desktop computer and my laptop. These things should just work and be computers! Conversations with staff have been jumbled, either I am not explaining myself properly or they are idiots! 

Funnily enough this morning I was actually quite proud of my self thinking, despite the sheer volume of work building up I am actually coping quite well. Then this, boom! 

Have sat back and tried to control my breathing and reached for my blog. Hands are still shaking a bit but I am a little calmer. I can hear the noises from the kitchen down stairs, the clicking of China, the radio playing, nothing really but right now I just want it to stop.

I just want the world to leave me alone so I can curl up in silence. 

It would be so easy to go downstairs and a have a beer or 7, but I won’t, I can’t and I mustn’t 

Just had to mention this, I filled up with petrol this afternoon and walked out the shop without a 200 calories coffee, or a sausage roll, cheese and bacon turnover, or assorted sandwiches or chocolate! Actually calorie consumption has been pretty good all day, not perfect, but given this morning it could have been so much worse.
So lets tick off a small win today and look forward to the next one.

This morning I had a routine, 3 monthly, check up. Nothing untoward. Arrived a bit later than I wanted which is never good but the matter was compounded by a queue for the car park. Immeadiately the fog descended. I spun round back into the road, desperate to find a space on the road. This took much longer than needed and all the time the heart rate was increasing, the breathing getting heavier. I finally parked actually not far away, paid at the meter. £1 for 2 hours, good value. Now to find my way round to the entrance! How do I do this? I took a path I saw others coming out of but it just seemed to loop round on it’s self, by now my head was spinning, short of breath and I just fell apart. I just wanted to bolt and get out of there!

Fortunately a nurse past by and asked if I was ok as I looked lost. She then noticed it was more than that and stayed and helped me calm down. Always a sucker for a nurses uniform me. Between us we pulled it together, she took me round to the entrance and the rest of the appointment went well. 

In general I currently feel so much better but then thing like this come out of nowhere!