Category: General

I’ve just been sat thinking about my life with regard weight and general fitness and let’s be honest my issues with those started long before my mental health issues. But can mental health be defined as more than Stress, Depression and Anxiety. Should lack of will power and commitment be thrown in the mix too? Or maybe considered an early indicator of things to come? 

I have been trying to lose weight for 20+ years and all I have managed to do is get heavier and heavier. Through all that time I have kept records. In 1998 when I moved to America I bought a Nordic skier because I had to lose weight. At that time I was 276lbs and I got to down to 242 by Christmas.  

When I got married in 2000 I was back up to 272 and today I am 307!!!!

Ok I’m lazy, even selfish maybe, or is just that I just don’t the right motivations? 4 years ago not long after I can recognise the depression I had a heart problem and was told to lose weight. 3 years ago I had minor cancer surgery and was told to reduce my drinking, lose significant weight and improve my general health. Big enough motivations you would think? I was around 285lbs then so a stone lighter than now. 

It’s not like I don’t know the principles, I do. Burn more calories than you consume and you will lose weight. For every 3500 calorie deficit you will lose a pound and I have proved that time and time again. 

So I have had the reasons, of which there are plenty, I have the knowledge, I even have the motivation: to be around for my wonderful family and be able to take part. Live long enough to walk my daughter down the isle and see her win her Olympic gold. So what is missing? Will power, mental strength! (There goes that word again) I have even been told a number of times when I have joined in on blogs like Couch to 5K (failed at that too) and the parkrun Facebook page, what an inspiration I am to others.   So I have all the reasons from significant health scares to general hatred of the way I look and feel, so not being able to do something about it really is “mental”.  Actually that might be a great name for a weight loss blog. “Not loosing weight is Mental” what do you reckon?

Mental Health, bigger than Heart disease and cancer? There’s something to think about.

I have been sat watching the Marathon and once again like so many have been inspired. Interestingly this year mental health issues are being highlighted. 

I did once have an entry, 11 years ago, got up to about 12 miles in training, never enjoyed it and then turned my ankle so badly I was still hobbling the day of the Marathon.

It’s once again a ridiculous Nigel thing to say. I make huge statements set massive targets and have never once achieved any, but I really would love to run this next year. I have just sat and looked up training plans for 5k then 10k onto a half marathon and then the full job and not surprisingly there are not enough weeks to complete them and let’s face I would need to follow a plan to cover 1 mile. I have done 54 parkruns but have never got past the 2k marker before having to stop and walk. Today I am the heaviest I have ever been (nearly 2 stone heavier than when I last did a 5km parkrun). On top of that I need a knee operation which I don’t even have a date for yet. If I announce I am going to try and do this everyone will just smile and turn away.  No one will take me seriously because consistent history proves they are right.

So let’s see, I’ll go get on the scales now, let’s see if I can find the initial mental focus and strength to lose some weight between now and my knee operation. That is going to be at least a month away, which I am sure doesn’t sound like long to you, but to me each day is a challenge right now. If I can stick to losing weight for the next few weeks maybe we’ll look at it. If nothing else I might one day get to finish a parkrun without walking! 

So its 3am and I can’t switch off, following a entire day yesterday in bed, sleeping, tonight my head is full of thoughts. Actually it feels like those demons are in the room with me, I just can’t stop thinking, all bad thoughts, all worrying things. I can’t do work anymore, I have to find a change, I am so far behind. Every company is at least 2 VAT returns late (that’s 6 months work) how can I be 6 months behind, and when you times that by 6 companies thats 3 years!!! Why? because each and every day I start off saying I am going to get organised and get at least 1 return done, I have all day, that all I have to do, 8 hours sat quietly is plenty. Then boom, she poor bastard needs their arse wiping, a company doesn’t do something, or like today I spend 90% of my day getting up to speed with the delays report! why its not my job, but who else is going to do it. Tomorrow it will be something, something that will distract me, something no one else could possibly do. Nigel will help, Nigel knows, Nigel……………

Next is the money, we don’t have any, tomorrow once again I will have lie to a supplier, make promises i know I can’t keep and try ad get by. One of these days it isn’t going to happen. One of these days a supplier to refuse to supple, or the utility company will walk in and cut us off. On top of that just when this week was looking comfortable he wants more money, he wants the £2,400 he was due last week. Due last week! He not due it, he doesn’t earn it. Yet again everything is gong to fall apart, liquidate companies and all because he is taking a small fortune out. I have to get away, I have to find a proper job, one i can be proud of, one that make me feel good and allows me to sleep. I can’t carry on like this, the cough is permanent and i know it is drink related. every day I say today I must stop, I must go Tea total. I did it before, eight years not a drop. But today 4 large glasses of white wine this afternoon, 3 beers tonight. To most people that would put them under the table. Me? didn’t tough the sides.

I feel dreadful, my drinking is hurting my body, my job is killing my mind. At least I had my MRI scan on my knee yesterday. Maybe jus maybe they will fx that and I can start to exercise again, start to fix my body. They say exercise is a great into dressing, well it is going to have to be.

I really am in a pickle, 3:30 and no stance of sleeping. Oh how do I fix this, what do I do? I can’t walk out I need my job, I need the money. I hate it, I hate..actually I don’t hate my job, its great or it would be if he wasn’t bleeding it dry. Again my mind is full of do I report him? what would happen. If I don’t will they come after me, but I haven’t taken excessive amounts out so I should be fine, but do I need the hassle? and if I did what would happen to the pubs 45 other people reply on them for their jobs. I don’t want to be in this situation, there must be a way to get out, to be able to breath and sleep at night. He sleep at night, he drive a lovely car, is currently on holiday with his family. Seen my car? its 16 years old and falling apart. It’s embarrassing and makes me feel awful everytime I get in it. I am seeing my friends rom America Friday and it is going to be awful collecting them and running them around. I would deal love to hire a car for the day, but I can’t, I don’t have the money.

Anyway I am starting to relax again, this is helping a bit, I have had a drink of water and I am calming down. Still not sure I will sleep, but lets try. I just need 5 minutes of a clear mind and I will at least get a couple of hours sleep.

 

The youngest has a few days on a training camp so in my wisdom I organised to rent a place right on the beach on the south coast and most of the family and partners are able to join us. It’s wonderful we sat and had dinner together with the sun setting and the sound of the waves. Everyone gets on so well and I love having them around.

One of the partners is currently training for a half marathon and is doing it for Mind, the mental health charity so I am even more proud of her than I would otherwise be. I just want to give her a huge great hug. Maybe this trip will present me with the opportunity to finally speak out. I have to, it’s not just for me, but for them. They are young with their full lives ahead of them and statistically speaking at least one of them is going to face mental health issues in their life and it’s my responsibility to make sure they know it’s fine to speak out and seek help.

…3 days and nights have passed, we all had a lovely time and once again I failed in my objective! Heat breaking

I’ve had a better than average week and Wednesday and Thursday had the best night’s sleep for longer than I can remember. Today, up at a reasonable time, out with daughter to a mini competition and then went over to see eldest girls new house and out for lunch. Back home, took youngest out for her first drive in her car. Settled into a quiet relaxing evening in from of the TV. What could possibly go wrong? Well I can’t explain it, but I am really struggling to hold it together. Really lonely, chest tight, tearful, really tearful! Why? What happened between 5pm and 8pm?

So what is all that about? I had to take some equipment to my daughter’s sports club about 20 mins away. Nothing difficult, a quick jaunt round the M25, drop a target off and home. I cried all the way there and all the way back. Pulled it all together for the 5 mins I had to and I don’t think anyone noticed. The radio was full of maudlin songs and it all just got a bit too much. Home again, hide behind my laptop for a bit and calm down.

After a while the day got better, once again because it had to. Dad taxi duties. Daughter had training this afternoon and it gives me pleasure watching without actually having to contribute much. I offer to help fetch and carry kit which keeps me busy and appreciated by the coaches. Got home treated everyone to Chinese then straight back out ferrying the kids. One to the station the other to a party. Got back on a bit of a high and actually felt up to doing a bit of house work, just pushing the hoover round. Something I know I should be doing all the time, so today I am, but even that starts to go wrong, furniture gets in the way, the hoover get caught and the fog descends, I kick a chair. Enough now just need to hide away 

Monday
Start of a new week and nothing is new. Have made no progress losing weight, in fact despite counting calories and not drinking I have put on 1.5lbs

What do I need to do? I have always been ridiculously heavy, but when I try I can lose some weight. It always goes back on, but this time I can’t shift a pound!!!!

Tuesday
Right knee really sore. I thought the cycling was helping but it really isn’t. I walked a lot today and now I am half crippled. Need to chase up my follow up appointment so I can get the operation I need and get back to exercise.

Wednesday
I got up really well today, despite not sleeping very well. Took my daughter to school, got some jobs done. Then I called the NHS to chase my appointment and guess what? I have been discharged!!! Apparently despite the fact the Physio said to me that I would get a follow up appointment in about 6 weeks to assess the effectiveness of the exercises, he never put that in the notes! I have now got to go back to my doctor and start all over again. It took just over 2 months to get a physio appoint the last time.

After that everything seemed too much! Everything annoyed me, such fools everywhere. On the road going to and from work, on the phone, total mindless conversations, even some of the staff wound me up. Had to walk away from one lady before I said something out of order to her.

Managed to get home to the relative safety that is my home and took my spot on the sofa and instantly hid behind my laptop. Opened Facebook and my heart lifted, my son’s girlfriend has announced she is running a Half Marathon at the end of April, which is a big (huge) deal for her, and doing it for MIND! I immediately opened her Just giving page and made a small donation. Then the darkness fell, why can’t I pick up the phone to MIND. It’s been 5 years all I have to do is pick up the phone, or walk in, they have an office in High Wycombe. It really did wind me up, got angry at the Salad Cream bottle because I couldn’t squeeze any out. It was a new bottle with the seal still intact, but by then I was so wound up, my head pounding I just couldn’t manage it. The room is spinning, noises from all around. The TV watching mindless recorded programs, the boys watching a movie in the other room. Daughter comes in and talked at me, but I have no idea what she was saying.