Category: Turmoil

Can you imagine waking up in the morning, having had little sleep and what sleep you have had was filled with deep rooted concern about the day ahead. Head spinning, full of dread, full of doubt, full of terror.
Now that day is over and a new one is just beginning. Getting up is a major problem, you can hear the house waking up, family showing, going down for breakfast. The kettle is on, the toaster has popped at least once. All you have to do is get up and join them. Join in the excitement of a new day.

It has to be discussed because it takes the lives of an increasing number of people!
There isn’t really much I can say on the subject as the thought or desire has never crossed my mind, but in saying that it is something I can understand.
Before suffering with my depression and anxiety I never understood people that would and could take their own lives. I considered them cowards for not facing up to what ever it was that drove them to it, probably a crime or similar and selfish for the pain it would cause those left behind.
Well actually neither of those apply to a person suffering with mental Health! The feelings faced in that state of mind ore those of sheer desperation, loneliness and despair. It’s easy to feel the world would not miss you, after all you contribute nothing. You sit in a crowded room on your own, so what difference would it make.

Taking your own life under those circumstances isn’t selfish it would just seem to make sense.

So how does that work then?
I suffer from anxiety, making it difficult, in fact impossible at times to do the simplest of things. How hard do you think it is to pick up the phone and make an appointment with a complete strange to discuss your short comings!!
Well actually in 6 years I have managed it twice! First time to a general counsellor and the 2nd for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), both achieved nothing why! I made the first meeting and in fact the second CT session, but doing it alone is impossible! The point is you need help with the basic issues of life. Confidence, self esteem, simply being able to go out. Pick a dark day, when even the phone ringing or the post landing on the door mat is too much to stand and you have no chance of getting to your appointment.
Of course that is why it is so important to seek the help of your family and or friends. Something I just can’t seem to do. I so want to, but how, when, what do I say and I am obviously not the only one to feel like this.
Hopefully with time and the help of admitting the issues to myself vis this blog, I will find the strength to do so and maybe if someone ever reads this, reading they are not alone in their struggle will help them seek support too.

As touched on before, the simplest of tasks seems impossible. This is so hard to put in words and explain to you, because even I find it hard to understand.
I can sit here now and think I really must do xyz, or tomorrow I am going to do such and such. No worry, very confident, just like any other person. But as the time approaches so the self doubt sets in, or the overwhelming fear of doing it wrong. Two simple examples spring to mind.

The hot tap in our ensuite bathroom broke about 3 years ago (its probably 4) after about 6 months I went to B&Q and bought a replacement set. Its a 30 minute job, turn the water off to the existing taps with the simple turn of a screw on the pipe, remove existing taps by undoing the bolts, couple up new taps, turn on water. There you go, what could be easier. Well I must have picked the new plugs up 2 dozen times, even taken them as far as the bathroom but, what if it goes wrong, what if they don’t fit. The pipe might burst and I could flood the place! Yes all of those could be true and if they are you deal with it. What is even worse is sitting here typing this it seems so easy, so why can’t I go upstairs now and do the job?

Example 2 – Last summer i needed to set a fence post in some concrete at the bottom of the garden. This time I managed to go out buy the cement, come home, decide where it needed to go, dig the hole, line up the post but. Then doubt flooded my mind, was the hole deep enough and wide enough. Had i mixed the concrete properly, was it too wet, would it set. Fortunately for this task I was so far down the road I had to resolve it, which I was able to do, by calling out to my wife, who was also in the garden and just casually asking if she thought the hole was big enough to support the post and also check it was in the correct place. In this instance what I was seeking was approval that what I had done was ok.

I’ve never slept well, even as a child I would lay awake, usually on a Sunday night, thinking about all the things that needed doing during the coming days. But over the past few years it has become a daily battle. Firstly my already irregular sleep pattern has been turned upside down. Much of the time falling asleep at night seemed impossible. Assuming I even felt tired, once in bed I would find it impossible to settle, often getting up and going downstairs. On the worst nights I would not get back to bed until after 2am. My mind would be full of panic at the things I had to do and even worse the things that should have been done but I had not completed. These unresolved issues would on the hole be really simple basic tasks. As easy as making a phone call, or filling in a form. Completing a VAT return, or updating a college. Once I filed to do something it became a major problem. I would lay awake worrying myself about having not one it. Oh would I deal with it now, or explain why it hadn’t been done. My head would spin, with panic and confusion.
A perfect example was an occasion when my father-in-law had asked me to call hi the following morning between 10am and 11am. Nearly he wanted to speak to me privately about something and i assumed he did’t want his wife to overhear. It was around her birthday so that seemed a sensible reason. Well the following day I didn’t make the call. For once not because I couldn’t bring myself to, but because I was in a meeting at work. By the time the meeting ended it was past midday, far too late to call. That evening I lay awake probably all night worrying about it, only drifting in and out of sleep for a few minutes at a time. The following day I simply could not pick the phone up, supposing my mother-in-law answered the phone, even if she didn’t what would I say to explain why I hadn’t managed to call yesterday. Day 2 went by, no phone call, so did day 3. On day 4 I was working from home first thing and as my wife was getting ready to go out she said that her Father would like me to call. With that she went out and so I grabbed the bull by the horns and made the call. He answered, thanked me, did n’t ask or give me a chance to apologise or explain why I had not called earlier in the week, we discussed what he wanted which took about 5 minutes and the call ended. It couldn’t have been easier, but it took me 4 days.

It can feel like it’s hard to breathe and your heart might be racing even though you’re just sitting at your desk