After what can only be described as a good week, exercised each day, which made me fee good about myself, a solid weeks work. Saturday went well, nothing special but a ‘nice’, normal day.
Then boom such a disturbed night. A night my mind was in a spin, period of sheer panic of work to be done, work not done, conversations to be had. At time my chest was ponding so hard it felt like i was being hit with a hammer, hard to breath. Sheer panic, terror in my mind. As the sun came up I fell asleep and I guess slept soundly under 10am
Once down stairs I didn’t fell particularly tired, my mind had cleared and i thought everything would be fine. I thought I was back in control again but, for no reason what so I, I snapped at my wife, we rowed I made her cry it was awful. She didn’t deserve it, especially not now, she has enough on her mind with her sick parents. But I did.
Somehow once again we carried on, went shopping, came home family came over and we had a nice afternoon in the garden, burnt some food on the BBQ and everyone I dare say thinks everything is wonderful.
But this is how depression, anxiety or what ever it is effects everyone! Not just me, not just the person suffering, but everyone around them, friends, work colleagues and especially family. I have spent the rest of the day torturing myself, in fact having some of the darkest thoughts to date of how I feel and my worth. How can such a positive week turn on a sixpence and become so destructive. I really have a poison in side me, a poison which can sit dormant and then surface for no apparent reason and effect anyone and everyone within reach.
I am now sat on the sofa, already panicking abut going to bed, in fact whist typing the last paragraph my head is already starting to spin, breath shortening. How can you panic about going to bed? Easy, I know it is a time with nothing going on, nothing to do. No TV to watch and distract, no one to talk to. All I have to do it lay in the dark with 8 hours ahead during which I can and probably will over think everything. Get worked up about the simplest of things, lay scared of the day and week ahead. I will toss and turn, probably come down stairs in about 2 hours and watch what ever rubbish is on TV, just to try and break the torment. Eventually, usually as the day is dawning I will relax and fall into a deep sleep for about 90 minutes before the alarm. My wife will probably be up and the kids and then it will take me probably an hour before I am able to get up. Worried about going downstairs, scarred for doing or saying the wrong thing. Of not being able to join in the conversation because actually I do not feel part of this family, I do not know what is going on. I will of course get up, probably immediately hide behind my laptop, grab some breakfast when no one else is in the kitchen, just before its time to take daughter to school. Then scurry off to the pool for a swim, which again no one knows about and then head to work.
Wow I am not sure this is helping tonight, another 10 minutes have past and now I really do not want to go to bed. Not only because of the above, but my wife is still up, what do I do before going to bed? I know the milk bottles need to go out, but what else! What else will need to be done in the kitchen? I really have no idea and the thought of getting it wrong terrifies me. It terrifies me almost as much as sitting here doing nothing and letting my wife do it all and feeling worthless. I am stuck on the sofa, I really am in a pickle now. My breathing is shallow, my chest hurts, its burning. My head feels light, like I am about to faint, my hands are shaking. When I move my head it is like everything is happening at lightening speed, I can’t explain it, I have never been able to explain it. Its like my head doesn’t belong on my body I think. I have to do this, wife is now asleep, how nice would it be for her just to be able to go to bed knowing everything was done. To be honest there is probably nothing that needs doing, because surprise surprise after the BBQ when everyone was sat around chatting she was in door, cleaning, tidying etc. But I feel so useless that even if I go out to the kitchen I won’t notice what needs doing, or won’t know what to do with left overs, or other stuff.