Today has been the result of a long tough few days. Not quite back where I was but almost. Today was my wife’s birthday, hugely important to the family, celebrations abound, a time we all get together. Never anything over the top, breakfast, a nice day doing something a bit different, finishing in a family meal somewhere. Well this year it’s been a real trial, suffice to say I only managed to book a table for 9 in central London this morning!! And that wouldn’t have happened without the thoughts and ideas of others.
I can’t explain it, everything is so difficult and before I can build up to doing something sheer panic sets in. A real sense of inadequacy in many ways but more a sense of fear. Fear of what I can’t explain, panic, trepidation. My hands physically shake, the heart rate quickens, breath shortens.
The biggest part of the day was picking up a new car for my wife. All organised and paid for over the weekend, all we had to do was collect it at 1pm from Cargiant in Park Royal. Getting sorted this morning, finding the paperwork (proof of address and drivers license) all just too much. Actually it wasn’t, I knew where the bills were and my drivers license is in my wallet, but I lay awake last night thinking about it and got in a pickle this morning.
Driving to the collection was a 25 minute journey, but every second fraught with annoyances. Other drivers doing stupid things, not pulling away from lights as soon as they turned green, cutting in front of me, cutting me up! I got so wound up, so cross. Then having got there, processed the paperwork all very easily we sat and waited 45 minutes for them to bring the car! Total incompetence and I was ready to scream. Anyway Ingot through it and came home. I spent the rest of the afternoon desperately trying to be in my own, quiet, relaxed trying to hold it together.
Then it was time to go out, actually the drive into town was easy, but then spent 15 minutes driving round looking for a parking space, sitting in traffic I didn’t need to be in, waiting in a queue where lights only allowed 3 cars though at a time. I could feel my blood pressure rising. Finally we parked, really close actually, but then we had to find the restaurant not far from Kings Cross station. But it’s not an area I know, texts instructions from my eldest meant nothing and I can feel my blood boiling, “this is stupid” “a waste of time” “let’s just go home” finally we found the others and by now I just didn’t want to be there, I can’t to be “bothered with these people” These people! These people are my family, all I have, all that is important, but I felt real contempt.
We sat down, the place was great, just right for what we wanted. I sat at the head of the table, everyone else around me. Just what I love, what I usually thrive on, but I just couldn’t cope. There was one person there that for what ever reason she seems to calm my sole. Whenever she is around, at the house or if we go out, she manages to lift my spirits. She doesn’t have to do or say anything, she just sat there, 3 places away, a smile on her face, great conversation. It’s very obvious she loves my step son very much. My daughter looked stunning, really grown up, with her boy friend who she has been with for 2 years already. Everyone was happy, chatting and laughing. For me I drifted in and out, sometimes not even aware of my surroundings and then I would realise someone was talking to me. One of our meals wasn’t delivered with the others, which is a real pet hate, but I totally over reacted and then felt bad for the rest of the evening.
Anyway it’s all over now, back home, sat in the safety of my sofa, TV showing dog knows what.
I am sorry if this is all so trivial, I find it so hard to describe or explain how I feel. I am actually sit here shaking, only slightly, but how stupid is that. I am so tired but I am worried about going to bed, will I get to sleep, what will be on mind, knowing I will only get a few short hours of actual sleep before I wake in the early hours and then toss and turn, panicking about tomorrow and the dramas it will bring. How ridiculous is that, worry about what you might be worrying about, when to anyone else tomorrow will just be a walk in the park!
Anyway it’s time to go to bed. Night all.