6 years, maybe more, of struggling everyday has to come to an end. I desperately want to reach out to my family and friends but when ever I decide to I can’t find the moment. Maybe writing it down will help me come to terms with my issues and should anyone else read this maybe it will help them too.
So now I’ve explained some background I’ll start to detail feelings and experiences from now on, if its jumbled, boring or generally doesn’t make sense I apologise now.
Routine Hospital Appointment
This morning I had a routine, 3 monthly, check up. Nothing untoward. Arrived a bit later than I wanted which is never good but the matter was compounded by a queue for the car park. Immeadiately the fog descended. I spun round back into the road, desperate to find a
A small win feels huge
Just had to mention this, I filled up with petrol this afternoon and walked out the shop without a 200 calories coffee, or a sausage roll, cheese and bacon turnover, or assorted sandwiches or chocolate! Actually calorie consumption has been pretty good all day, not perfect, but given this morning
Panic!
Sat in the office, simple phone call to make. Total panic sets in! Hands shaking, short of breath. Dropped the phone, computer screen just a blur. Everything seemed to pulse in and out and I just couldn’t think straight.
Nothing has really gone well for a couple of days, trouble
The Blog helps
It’s been a week since I decided to make this public, not that anyway will ever find it I am sure. Up to then it had just been a few sentences in a Word Document on my laptop.
I have to say I think it has helped, feeling like I
Feeling myself!
Just finished a long day in the office and it was probably the best day I have had in some considerable time. I think what helped is that I am really busy and managed to spend most of the day concentrating on the job in hand with very little interference
Getting through the day
A day of fear and panic struck me yesterday, but rather than curing up in a ball I somehow managed to work through it. It just seemed everyone wanted a piece of me, can I do this, can I do that and not stuff that is necessarily my responsibility but
An abomination of a day
After what can only be described as a good week, exercised each day, which made me fee good about myself, a solid weeks work. Saturday went well, nothing special but a ‘nice’, normal day.
Then boom such a disturbed night. A night my mind was in a spin, period of
2 months then boom!
So where have I been?
Actually nowhere, no dark places, no hiding, just almost good old me.
For the last 2 months I have been feeling better than ever, getting some exercise, socialising, facing issues head on. If I am brutally honest there has been an underlying issue
The darkness falls
Today has been the result of a long tough few days. Not quite back where I was but almost. Today was my wife’s birthday, hugely important to the family, celebrations abound, a time we all get together. Never anything over the top, breakfast, a nice day doing something a bit
Constant fear
I can’t describe the feeling or why. But I am permanently uptight, slightly tight chest, short of breath. Worried no, scared of something, but I have nothing to be worried about. Yes work is busy, lots to do, but in general I am coping. But for what ever reason I
Bright days, dark thoughts
Everything is really mixed up at the moment. Lots of positive things going on, just had a great trip to Spain with wife and daughter while my daughter competed in World Champs. She did really well, everyone was happy. Flights were fine, hotel was great, company was good. Surrounded by
A mixed day
Woke up and couldn’t face the day, had been awake for hours, just laying there. Everything and nothing going round and round in my mind, getting me more and more wound up. Had a really important meeting this afternoon, which to be honest I could have breezed through, but just