As mentioned above I have been struggling for a while now and last year things really started to get dark. I had arranged a day out with the family for my Birthday, in fact we were all going to run either a 10k or half marathon. It had become a bit of a tradition, I would rope everyone into a run and I would shuffle round and they would all cheer me on. Well this time there was a local 10k on my birthday which seemed the perfect opportunity. It wasn’t really far enough away, which to many people would have been a problem, but to me it meant I really had to concentrate, if I had any chance of getting round I had to be 100% focussed, strict on diet, full on training and it was working. I was living and breathing it, weight was coming off, I was feeling good and although there was no way I was going to run the entire event I was going to make it and feel good about myself. Then with about 4 weeks to go my knee gave way! I went to see physio and they recommend 6 to 8 weeks. My world fell apart, AGAIN, I hit the booze, the compulsive eating and by the time the day came round I was all but back where I started!!
What woke me up was a conversation I had over the phone with a very important friend the evening before the event. I was explaining how upset I was and how it effected me and actually hearing myself say it out loud started to make me realise I really should not be that fragile and something finally had to be done.
I laid awake all night, for once not worrying, but being positive. I decided that tomorrow, on my birthday, after the run when we were all sat round the dining table I would discuss my problems, it would be the perfect audience, the people that mattered, that I need to hear it. My wife, the 4 eldest children (and partners) with the younger one away, my parents-in-law and 2 of my dearest friends. I have to tell them, not because I think they can help, what can they do? I need them to know, to firstly apologise for the crap person I have been for the last few years, apologise to my wife for the total lack of effort and support I have given her, for the business errors that plunged us so close to losing our home on a number of occasions, but above all to hopefully get them to understand that actually mental health needs talking about. You can’t tackle it on your own. At least one of them will have issues during their lives if they are not already and they need to hear it from this big old lump that actually no one will judge them. asking for help is the right coarse of action, but a sign of weakness.
So the run went well, everyone had fun. We all pilled back to the house, showered, changed, wife did amazing things with food yet again. We gathered round the table, but initially my sister-in-law, her youngs kids, partner, partners sister and parents were there too, which was great but not conducive to what I needed. By the time they went so had my parents-in-law and the opportunity never really presented itself, everyone was having a great time I didn’t want to put a damper on things. So the day came and went and nothing really changed.
Weeks went, Christmas came and went and then I thought of maybe a blog. Maybe I could right things down and that would help. Maybe someone would find it. I started with just a word document hidden away on my laptop, just 2 or 3 posts nothing really serious and then the weekend of the London Marathon for what ever reason I decided enough was enough. I registered this domain, copied the article on my word document to the blog and started padding it out with some history and random articles on feelings.
From today I am fixing me, with the help of my blog and I hope one day it will help others. If I can get strong enough through this, then I will be able to tell my family as I planned last October.